Monday, January 25, 2016


I've invented a new diet:
Whenever you are hungry, instead of going into the kitchen and eating, go into the bedroom and fuck or masturbate.
Water and clear broths are also permitted.
This diet won't work all that well if you have a job, unless you have either a lot of self discipline or an extremely permissive employer.
However, I have a week off work, so I am testing this diet out right now.
I will let you know how it goes.

I'm on Day Two of the Fuck or Masturbate Diet
I have checked the scale twice today and I haven't lost any weight, but I am not discouraged.
My theory is that I've replaced some of my weight with water weight.
I've been drinking an awful lot of water.
I've had eleven orgasms.

I'm on day Three of my diet and I've already run out of the clear broth, and it was tricky making more because I felt that I ought to jerk off while I was making it. So it was like making the broth with my right hand tied behind my back. Then, after making the broth, for balance, I jerked off with my left hand tied behind my back. My conclusion is that before beginning the Fuck or Masturbate Diet, clear broths should be prepared in advance.

Day Four. For several hours today I was so weak with hunger I couldn't have made it to the kitchen even if I had wanted to. I did make it to the bathroom. I have decided that it is probably not a good idea to leave the apartment, because if I were bump into a friend, and that friend happened to be eating a pretzel or knish, I would grab it out of his or her hand and devour it right in front of him. This diet is important to me, but it is not worth losing friends over.

It is Day Five of the Fuck or Masturbate Diet and if you're just joining me, the idea is that instead of eating, you fuck or masturbate. Technically, I suppose, it should be called the Fuck or Masturbate Fast, as the word "diet" implies that some kind of eating is involved. When I first concieved of this project, I thought I would probably be unable to resist eating, and I didn't want to feel like a failure. But here I am, on Day Five, and I haven't eaten a thing, and I've lost six pounds and I've had 38 orgasms. I'd say so far, it's been a success.

I'm on Day Six. I've begun to hallucinate every time I orgasm. The Hindu goddess Lakshmi appeared to me several times today and promised me wealth, fortune, and prosperity (both material and spiritual). Then her husband Vishnu appeared and asked me if I was fucking his wife and I said no, I swear: not even a hand job (note: Lakshmi has four arms, and each one has a hand). Vishnu appeared to believe me and then disappeared. I haven't seen Lakshmi since, and it's probably just as well as I am so hungry at this point I might have tried something with her.

More hallucinations: I saw Kali, goddess of change, preservation and destruction;
Parvati, goddess of love, fertility and devotion; Radha, the life energy of Krishna; and for some reason, Daenerys Targaryen, the Unburnt, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar, and of the First Men, Queen of Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons, and she was, in fact, in this vision, riding a dragon, but-and this is interesting-it wasn't Drogon. It was Veserion. This made absolutely no sense to me, and I'm starting to become concerned for my mental well being. I am glad to be returning to work tomorrow.

This morning, I returned to work, but before I did, I ate three bowls of cereal, two vegan sausages, a fruit salad, and toast. Then a bowl of chili, some tortilla chips, and peasant bread. I drank a quart of orange juice and then had some sorbet. I gained back three of the eleven pounds I lost, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I had 53 orgasms and a few of them were mind altering and enlightening and all of them were entertaining. All in all, I am pleased with the results of this diet, and I expect I will try it again the next time I have time off work.

January 25, 2016

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