"The Suit"

The Suit

I
The Suit
Hangs on a hanger
That hangs on a peg
On a wall
In my office:

An inspiration
An indictment
A goal
A dream that mocks me.

II
I tried on the suit yesterday
The one I haven't fit into in over a year
I didn't think it would fit, and it didn't
And I have a longer way to go than I thought.

III
I've been asked,
Why do you have the suit?
Do you have to wear suits at work?

And I say,
No, I don't have to wear suits
But the jackets cover up my body
I have a lot of body shame
The suit helps mitigate the body shame
When I can fit into it, that is.

IV
I have been accused of having
Distorted body image
But the fact is,
I have a small frame
Extra weight looks worse on me
Than it does on other people.

My body image is realistic, I think:
Right now, I am a fat piece of shit
And once I can wear the suit again
I won't be.

V
About a month ago
I had some shirts I couldn't button
I can button them now
But I won't really be ok
Until I can wear the suit.

VI
It is possible,
If I continue at my current rate of weight loss,
That at some point
The suit will be too big for me
I would rather that didn't happen
If I could maintain a weight
Such that I could keep wearing the suit comfortably
I believe I would be satisfied
I don't want to be a skeleton
I just want to not feel the way I feel anymore.

They say happiness comes from within
But they only say that to make me feel better
It doesn't make me feel better
Because it is a lie.

VII
I took a picture of the suit today
I will post it on Facebook
And when I can finally fit into the suit again
I will take a picture of me wearing it
And post it on Facebook.

The picture of me wearing the suit
Will probably get a lot of likes
It will probably get more likes
Than this poem will.

November 1, 2016